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I Want to Tell You

Editor’s Note: Welcome to the V-Day Raleigh blog! We are requesting submissions from the community for our blog – below is our first one! An anonymous member of the V-Day Raleigh community wrote this beautiful and powerful poem to share with you all. What would you tell the next woman?

If you would like to submit your own blog entry (we can publish it under your name or anonymously), please email us at vdayraleigh@gmail.com


I Want to Tell You

By Anonymous

 

I want to tell you.

I want to tell you what he did to me.

Where is the line between my responsibility as a woman to a woman and his confidence?

Is there one?

 

I want to tell you-

that it took me years to heal.

If an angel looked in my chest and saw my heart, they would have wept.

It had dissolved.

I shuffled through life clinging to any hope that came my way. Maybe today he would touch me… and it won’t hurt.

I don’t remember breathing, I don’t remember sunshine, or rain, or smiles, or even itching bug-bites.

I remember gray.

I remember the distant sound of my stifled soul screaming to be released.

I remember the first time I saw the rage in those steel eyes; how the terror cut through my skin and sunk into my bones to reside there for eternity, never being exorcised.

I remember the first time there was pain.

I remember that I knew it was my fault. Yes, there was overreaction, but I caused the argument in the beginning.

I remember how I told myself this.

I remember finding strength and fighting back, but knowing I had only made it worse.

I remember the first holes in a child’s door, while the child cried in fear and a mother held the door secure with all her might.

I remember when he denied it all.

I remember how that felt.

Was I really the one going crazy?

I can see the holes, and broken wands, and shattered mirrors and bottles.

I can see the flashing lights from the cars he was finally put into.

I can see the child still wrestling with the fear of him…

But, I can see the pure confusion in his eyes from his story of truth.

Was I crazy? No. These were not illusions.

 

I want to tell you-

how long it took for me to enjoy touch again, and how hard new partners work to make me feel safe and loved.

I filled caverns with the tears I cried while having sex I didn’t want to have.

I didn’t want to have, yet couldn’t say no.

The terror still resides in my bones.

I want to tell you-

that I still slept with him because I wasn’t going to let the demons be in control and I was determined to make it right.

I want to tell you-

that we still have sex… at least we did…

 

Then I saw you.

 

Beautiful, fresh faced, innocent.

I don’t want you to hurt.

Maybe people can change.

Maybe they can’t.

If there is change, I cannot speak.

If there is not, I should have spoken.

Where is the line?

 

I want to tell you-

that I am here, that I know, and that it’s not you.

When those demons, that you aren’t able to envision right now, show themselves I will fight by your side.

I will pick up my sword and smite the head from your beast if you are too weak.

I will hold up the shield if you are strong.

And I will carry you home.

 

Please understand and forgive why I don’t, but I want to tell you.

 

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